


A Sea of Woes

by forgoo



Category: Sala Samobójców | Suicide Room (2011)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Depression, Eventual Fluff, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Rating May Change, Slow Build, Suicidal Thoughts, attempted suicide, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-27
Updated: 2015-06-23
Packaged: 2018-03-09 07:15:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 12,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3241007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/forgoo/pseuds/forgoo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"What do you want?" Dominik asks.<br/>"I wanted to see you awake. I want to know you're going to be okay." Aleks replies.<br/>Aleks is being genuine and Dominik can tell, but this only serves to confuse him further.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Waking World

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dominik survives his suicide attempt.

           The waking world is not where Dominik expects to be. He doesn't understand why it feels like someone shoved cotton balls into his brain, why his eyes feel like they've been crusted shut, or why his body feels like it weighs a ton. It was as if he had been floating through the blissful nothingness but someone had flicked on a switch, forcing him back to earth. Dominik wants this awareness to go away immediately.  

            The last thing he remembers before he had blacked out in the bar bathroom was thinking that he was hallucinating from the pain. Now, he was here, wherever _here_ is; he still can't get his eyelids to open.

            "Dominik, are you awake?" A voice asks him through the haze of his awakening. Dominik groans in response, too preoccupied with trying to get his eyelids to open to form a coherent sentence.

            Finally, his brain seems to click into place and he brings his hands to his eyes, scraping away copious amounts of crusted crap. Light floods his senses. "Fuck." He says lowly, squinting to let his eyes adjust. Once he's able to make sense of where he is, a hospital considering the dreary walls, bland furniture, and beeping monitors attached to him by wires, he recalls that there is someone else in the room with him (although he can't fathom why).

            He turns to his right, and there _he_ is. Aleks. What is he doing here? Dominik wonders before quickly putting his curiosity into words, "What do you want?" He's pleased that the words came out of his mouth, not betraying the overwhelming sense of confusion he's currently feeling. "Is this hell?" He asks quickly.

            "No." Aleks replies, clearly in awe. "I'll go get a nurse." He pushes himself out of the chair and disappears through a door.   

            Dominik wants him to answer his first question. What was Aleks doing here? It didn't make any sense but Dominik is quick to realize he doesn't really care. He knows he hates Aleks for all the things he had done to torment him, but he just can't bring himself to be angry at him at this moment in time. It's like an apathetic blanket has settled upon him, and right now, it feels nice. Sure, he isn't dead, but not feeling anything was good enough for now. He knows that if he could feel any emotion, he would have been screaming and crying. Yet, in this state, screaming crying just seems utterly pointless. Everything seems pointless. 

            A nurse strides into the room, Aleks files in behind her, quietly slipping back into the chair at Dominik's bedside.

            "Welcome back to the waking world Mr. Santorski." The nurse smiles as she checks the monitors, scribbling things down on Dominik's chart as she goes. "You've been in a coma for a little over a week now. You should consider yourself very lucky." She excuses herself to retrieve his doctor.

            _Lucky?_ Dominik thinks. _Lucky is a strange way to put it_. _A failure is more like it._

            An awkward cough pulls Dominik from his thoughts, reminding him he still isn't alone in the room. His head rolls to face Aleks, who is chewing at his fingernails. Aleks doesn't normally chew his fingernails, but it's a habit he had quickly picked up over the past week Dominik would learn.

            "How do you feel?" Aleks asks, breaking the silence. He sounds genuinely concerned, which Dominik finds odd because why would he care? He doesn't bother to voice these thoughts, it would have been a waste of precious air, he figures. Instead of speaking he turns his gaze to the vases of flowers that sit on the table at the foot of his bed (no doubt from his parent's colleagues), deciding to actively ignore Aleks.

            Aleks frowns when Dominik doesn't answer him. He isn't sure what else to say. Feeling out of place and a little scared, he sighs, running a nervous hand through his hair and turns his attention to a loose thread at the hem of his shirt. He hopes that the nurse will return soon. His prayers are answered shortly after, the doctor knocks on the door and enters swiftly, the same nurse trailing hot on his heels.

            "Good afternoon Dominik." The doctor greets with a cheerfulness that clearly isn't as natural as the nurse's.

            Dominik tries to listen to what the good doctor is saying at first, knowing that whatever he has to say is probably pertinent to his current health, but he just can't bring himself to give a damn.

            He stares out the windows as the doctor drags on and he briefly wonders if the windows open; he feels like going for a fly. Eventually, both the doctor and nurse leave, and he and Aleks are alone again.

            "Your parents will probably be here soon to see you." Aleks says. "I bet they'll be relieved."

            "Yea, relieved that I'll be released soon. Hospitals are expensive." Dominik doesn't mean it to be a joke, but Aleks laughs anyways, mostly out of discomfort. It wasn't that the Santorski's couldn't afford the finest of healthcare, but paying for unnecessary things was irksome and Dominik knows it. " _He is a normal, healthy boy._ " He recalls his mother saying. A normal, healthy boy doesn't need to be in the hospital.

            The sound of Aleks shifting in his chair sends Dominik's thoughts about his parents drifting just out of his reach and his attention reels in a different direction as his eyes fall on the other boy in the room again. Aleks clearly hasn't slept properly in days as evidence of his tousled hair, the dark circles under his eyes, disheveled manner of dress, and the cheap paper cup filled with coffee that appears on the verge of spilling out of his hand. Aleks fidgets under the scrutiny of Dominik's eyes. Dominik has never seen Aleks look so out of place somewhere as he does now. It almost makes him feel slightly less like shit.

            "What do you want?" Dominik asks again.

            Aleks' eyes fall to the wayside as he contemplates his answer. He isn't entirely sure himself. "I don't--" He shakes his head, "I wanted to see you awake. I want to know you’re going to be okay."

            Dominik figures he should yell at his former friend for being the reason he became so miserable with life that he decided to stop living, but he can't. "To wash your hands clean of me, Aleks?" He chooses to ask instead. Dominik notices the way the other boy stiffens when he says his name, as if he’s been dunked in ice cold water.

            Aleks' body relaxes after a moment, and his eyebrows knit together in confusion. "No. I mean, I feel awful for everything that's happened. I never meant for things to get so out of hand but--"

            "Save me your half-assed apologies Aleks. We both know things happened exactly the way you wanted." The words come out as a drawn out sigh. Arguing is tiresome, and Dominik can feel the need to rest reverberating throughout his body.

            "I didn't want you to kill yourself!" Aleks is one octave short of yelling, hands gripping tight to the arm rests of his chair.

            Dominik scoffs, "No, you just wanted to ostracize and isolate me from my friends, everyone at school…from you. Well, Congratulations Aleks, you succeeded with flying colors. You must be so proud." His voice is monotonous but he still manages to convey the sarcasm. He's almost pleased that he's getting under the other boy's skin. Almost.

            Aleks' begins to refute what's been said, but Dominik quickly interjects, "Just leave. I don't want to listen to you try to justify what you did. It's pointless." He pretends he can't see the sadness in Aleks' eyes. "Leave." He repeats, sleep screaming at the forefront of his mind.

            "Fine." Aleks sighs, admitting defeat. "If you ever need something, anything, ever, just call." He says as he stands, grabbing his coat and bag to leave. "Good bye Dominik." He says as he crosses the room.

            Dominik is asleep before Aleks even reaches the door. He's tempted to stay and wait for Dominik wake up again; worried that he might _not_ wake up again. But, he mentally slaps himself and rushes through the door and out of the hospital, undoubtedly scaring a few unsuspecting passersby on his way, before he convinces himself to stay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I hope you enjoyed the first chapter of Sea of Woes. I started writing this fic because there are seriously not enough Suicide Room fics in this world and I figured I might as well have a go at it. Tell me what you think or if I made a mistake. Thanks for reading!


	2. Of Things That Are Broken and Lost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dominik's parents visit and Aleks refuses to leave for some reason.

            Dominik’s parents come to visit him the morning after he had woken from his coma. He isn’t at all phased by their sudden attention to him, again. His father still thinks his son makes him look like a fool, it’s written all over the disapproving face he’s wearing. His mother frets and gushes concern, but Dominik knows she’s all talk; never putting actual effort into actually getting him better. They both want a quick fix for their broken child, too blinded by lenses crafted by materialistic desire to realize that bandages alone don’t heal broken bones.

            The Santorski’s stay for an hour before his mother realizes what time it is. She has to get to a meeting with some high end designer whose name Dominik can’t be bothered to remember. She kisses him good bye, making empty promises to visit. His father doesn’t say a word, only speaking briefly with the doctor outside before leaving with his mother.

            The only thing that’s even remotely intriguing to Dominik during his parent’s entire visit, is the boy sleeping in the chair beside his bed. His clothes have changed, and the untouched cup of coffee that sits on the bedside table appears to be new, but it’s the same Aleks, eyes shut, slack jawed, head rolled onto his shoulder, looking like some sort of angel that’s descended from the heavens, although that’s farthest thing from the truth.   

            “You can stop pretending. You’re not fooling anyone.” Dominik says after his parents leave.

            The only part of Aleks that moves are his lips, producing a low, “Who says I’m pretending?”

            Dominik is entirely unamused. “I thought I told you to leave.”

            “Yesterday, yes.” Aleks groans out the words as he stretches his limbs that had conformed to the shape of the chair as he slept. “But, today is yesterday’s tomorrow or something.” He babbles, smiling when the slightest quirk of Dominik’s eyebrows indicate irritation.

            Dominik glowers in Aleks’ general direction, refusing to make direct eye contact with him. “Then why are you here today?”

            Aleks smiles again, but this is a brittle smile that verges on a different emotion entirely; a single crack and his façade would come to light. His eyes drop to the floor, he notices his untouched cup of coffee and picks it up, procrastinating his answer. “I had to make sure you woke up.” He says softly into his drink.

            At first it doesn’t make sense, but then it clicks, and Dominik huffs amusedly. “You thought I might go into another coma?” His lips twitch up in the smallest of unintentional smiles. He’ll never admit that deep down inside his apathy shrouded heart, he’s happy to hear this.

            Aleks sees the twitch of Dominik’s lips, and his face flushes red in embarrassment. He scratches the back of his head sheepishly. “I know. It’s silly, but I had to make sure.”

            A silence drifts over them. There are things both want to say, but neither have the heart to. For that moment that preceded silence, it almost felt like the way things were before everything had gone wrong in Dominik’s life. It felt too familiar, and Dominik feel the resentment starting to well up in him. The apathy washes away from him like a cold shower blasting in his face, and his emotions hurtle him at a brick wall. He knew it was too good to last.  

            He steels himself, and says, “I’m awake. You can leave now.” Aleks wonders if he has heard him correctly, and the confusion shows. “Don’t come back this time.” Dominik makes sure to say this loud and clear.

            “I don’t understand.” Aleks says it innocently, but this infuriates Dominik.

            He begins to laugh hysterically. Emotions are shooting through him like lightning strikes. “You don’t understand? I’m the one who doesn’t understand! You betrayed me Aleks. You were my friend and you betrayed me. You made me into a joke and I didn’t—no, I still don’t understand. I couldn’t go to school without facing torment from the people that I thought were my friends.” Tears fell forth from his eyes, and any self-containment he had vanished for an instant. “YOU DID THIS TO ME! YOU BROKE ME!” He screamed, hands clawing at his chest. He sobs violently, collapsing in on himself.

            Aleks is terrified, paralyzed with fear. He’s never seen Dominik as anything but a sarcastic and quiet sort of person. He begins to realize the damage he’s caused may have irreversible effects that won’t be so easily erased by a heartfelt apology. He thinks he’s going to be sick.       

            A nurse comes rushing in, no doubt from hearing Dominik scream. She sees Dominik heaving for breath and the tears cascading relentlessly. He quickly turns his anger on her, shouting all sorts of abuse before returning his attention to Aleks. The nurse would've been a fool to not demand that Aleks leave as other nurses rush in to restrain Dominik, who is now trying to rip the wires from him, screaming that he wants to leave this place. Aleks hears the nurse shouting at him to go a second time, and he finally finds that his legs can still move. He leaves the room and waits outside.

           Dominik is rolling in a sea of gray after a doctor administers a sedative to calm him down. They've strapped his arms into padded restraints to keep him from hurting himself. He doesn't mind, he likes the sea of gray. The waves wash away the anger and all the feeling. The numbness is comforting.

           A short time later, Aleks returns to the room, although the nurse that had yelled at him to leave the room previously had strongly advised that he keep Dominik calm and he knew that his presence did anything but keep Dominik in a passive state of mind.

           Dominik pretends to sleep when he re-enters the room. Aleks can tell because of the way the dark haired boys eyelashes flutter softly every so often because he is unable to keep completely still. He wants to smile at the silliness of the act but he remembers what Dominik had screamed. His words had broken through to him and weighed heavily on his heart. “ _You did this to me. You broke me._ ” The words are a ringing in his ears that he can’t make stop.

            “Look at who’s pretending now.” Aleks says under his breath. _Look at us both_ , he thinks.

             His hand stretches out and sweeps away a few dark strands of hair that have fallen into Dominik’s eyes. He notices Dominik’s hands clench for a moment at the contact before relaxing in order to maintain the sleeping façade, but that’s when he sees them: the scars of Dominik’s first attempt. The mutilated flesh stands out on the pale skin, sitting just above the restraints. Alek’s hand wanders from Dominik’s face to his arm, which feels fragile in his touch. He notes that Dominik has lost a lot of his muscle tone and looks paper thin. Dominik had always been slim but he had never reminded Aleks of glass like he does now. Aleks absentmindedly brushes the pad of his thumb over the scar tissue. As he does it, his stomach turns into knots and he feels sick again. The guilt slaps him, leaving a bitter sting all over. He is quick to gather up his things.

            “My offer still stands.” He says, hand on the door knob. “If you ever need anything, I’m a phone call away.” He looks back at Dominik, fearing for what might be the last time. He whispers, “Sleep well, my prince.” And he leaves.     

            Even in his sea of gray, Dominik can feel Aleks’ words pierce him. He doesn't want to cry anymore and so he lets himself drift further into the medicated apathy, letting its tide pull him away from the pain. He falls into an restless sleep.

         

            Aleks returns to an empty home. He remembers as he climbs the stairs to his room of his first conversation with Dominik. They had talked about their wealthy parents that never seemed to be around and they had both tried to one-up each other’s stories about times their parent’s neglect had led to amusing ends.

            He remembers how happy and carefree Dominik was and then he remembers the Dominik he had witnessed in the hospital; he can feel a lump lodge in his throat but he refuses to cry. He hasn't cried in a very long time, he doesn't want to start now.

            He enters his room, tossing his things to the ground and flopping onto his bed. He wants to keep himself out of his head and so he snatches up his laptop. He quickly signs onto Facebook, hoping to get caught up in the thread of other people’s lives, but it’s just his luck that he has notifications for a certain post of his. He clicks it, not paying attention. As soon as the page loads, his heart sinks. It’s the video he posted after the Judo incident. People are still commenting on it. Some asking about whatever happened to Dominik, and others replying that they heard he tried to off himself along with a string of ridicule and homophobic slurs.

            A fury composed of magma runs through his veins. He deletes the post and then deletes the video. It is then that he happens upon another video that he’s familiar with as well: the video from prom. Aleks threads a hand through his hair, pulling at the roots. An emotion that he can’t identify pulses through him, and compels him to watch the video.

            There they are. Dominik’s smiling and drinking. He watches the moments before the kiss, focusing solely on Dominik, stopping the video just as the kiss ends and then watching it again. He goes through his photos of them together, remembering. It’s all evidence of what he had had. What he’s thrown away. And all at once he unravels. 

            For what was lost, and for what can never be the same, Aleks cries.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots of emotions in this chapter. Lots of blame being tossed around. Who knows what could happen next!  
> Thanks for reading! Leave a comment if there's any mistakes or if you liked it :)


	3. Dreams Are Dangerous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dominik is released from the hospital, followed by cryptic dreams of the Suicide Room.

            The sea has been dyed hues of blue and red, bleeding together to form brilliant shades of deep purple. Dominik doesn’t mind the purple that settles in after the sedatives wear off, the sky is gray enough outside for him. It had begun to rain after Aleks left the previous day, and it poured relentlessly throughout the night. Now only small white clouds drifted across the canvas of the sky.

            The day is a long barrage of psychological evaluations and physical examinations. The tests seem to meld together, becoming a long torturous test of Dominik’s patience. Eventually some doctor informs him that he can be released after another day of observation, just to be careful, and that he’ll be prescribed anti-depressants and psychotherapy (after he rejects being admitted to a clinic of course and that the pills will only be administered to him under strict supervision).

            Dominik spends the rest of the day staring absentmindedly at a TV set, that’s set on a channel playing reruns of outdated soap operas. He thinks about what has become of Slywia, and the other occupants of Sala Samobójców. He wonders if they have finally met their ends as they had intended. He wishes he could find out, but he doubts that he’ll be able to get his hands on a laptop in the hospital. In the end, he decides that he just doesn’t care anymore. Sylwia abandoned him when he needed her most. Her well-being was no longer any of his concern, he concluded even though a small voice in the darkest depths of his mind told him he was lying to himself.

            He contemplates about what his classmates think must have happened to him. Then the question seems to fall into his lap: how did Aleks know he was in the hospital? Their parents were vaguely familiar with each other through work, but Dominik knows that his parents are hardly advertising the fact that their son is in the hospital due to a suicide attempt; they have to keep up looks after all. It occurs to him that his parents are probably lying about his whereabouts; perhaps telling people that he’s gone abroad to stay with relatives for a time after the death of dear cousin that doesn’t exist. But, that only brings him back to the same question: how did Aleks know?

            Dominik’s thoughts are interrupted when a nurse brings in lunch. He decides not to dwell on the question for much longer, it’s exhausting trying to hold onto thoughts of Aleks because they are covered in thorns and prick his fingers every time he tries to hold onto one for too long.

            The next day passes by fast enough. After another session with a psychiatrist, Dominik is released into the care of his parents, both bickering about their individual time tables, only stopping to greet their son and his therapist.

            Dominik is vaguely happy to be leaving the hospital, and to see his mother. He can’t stand the looks his father gives him though. He quickly resolves to just ignore the man.

            The drive home is relatively pleasant. His mother combs his hair through her hands, reminds him of how Aleks brushed the hair from his face as he pretended to sleep. He remembers how he had cried for his mother as he lay on the bathroom tile dying, but he quickly discards the useless reverie. He’d rather not think about Aleks or the events that led him to his stay in the hospital.

He leans into his mother’s touch and sighs. He listens to his father ramble about the future and how Dominik will have to retake his classes since he missed his final exams. The future begins to feel heavy on his shoulders and Dominik remembers to tune out his father. He knows that his parents want what’s best, but he wonder for whom it is best.

 

            “I had Hanna tidy up your room while you were in the hospital.” His mother says as they enter his room. Dominik is about to ask who Hanna is, but then he remembers that his parents fired the last housekeeper after she called the police and incidentally saved his life.

            His bed is made, and all appears to be in order. Except, Dominik can’t seem to spot his laptop. He doesn’t bother asking where it is. He figures his parents have locked it up somewhere to prevent him from cloistering himself in his room again, to slowly rot and die. He wants to visit Sala Samojcow but it isn’t a clawing need, and he can deal with it if he has to for the time being. The sea is shades of blue and gray. He thinks he can manage for now.

            “Thank you.” He says it softly, as he climbs into the bed.

            His mother frowns, as she watches him settle into his bed. “Still tired?” She asks.

            “Yes.” He answers, finding a comfortable position to doze off in.

            Just as his mother closes the door, the question leaves his mouth involuntarily, “Mama, did you tell Aleksander I was in the hospital?” He asks.

            His mother opens the door, peering her head inside, and thinks about the question for a moment. “The Lubomirski boy? He was already there when we came to visit. I recognized him from a photo his mother showed me. I didn’t even know you two were friends.” She recounts. “Is something wrong?” She asks quickly.

            “No.” Dominik lies. “I’m going to sleep now. Thank you.” He says. His mother closes the door, unaware that she has just left her son with more questions than answers.

            Dominik falls deep into a dream, in which he has reentered Sala Samobójców in person. He stands before the tree he had created for Sylwia, it is on fire. He doesn’t feel anything, no heat, no sadness. He simply watches, waiting. The tree is reduced to ashes. Dominik gets on his knees and begins to sift through the remains of the tree, he is not sure of what he is looking for, only that he will find it. Then he comes across it: a hand, buried in the ash. He pulls it out, and with it the body of a person he recognizes.

Naked and covered in ash, Aleksander stands before him. From their conjoined hands, roots burst forth, entangling together. The roots produce flowers and leaves, covering both their arms in the flora.  Dominik knows that if he simply lets go, the connection will be lost and the flowers will shrivel and die, but he will be free of Aleks. He wants to be free, but he can’t will himself to let go.

            Aleks reaches out with his other hand, placing it beneath his jaw in a gentle caress. He’s smiling, but it is akin to the smile he wore in the hospital: it is fearful. Dominik knows that Aleks fears the choice to be made. Dominik brings his own hand to cover Aleks’, moving closer to him. Aleks leans down and touches their foreheads together. A white light crashes through the dream, blinding Dominik and, for a moment, he let’s go of Aleks’ hand in his confusion. He didn’t mean to let go, but he can feel the vacuum of separation forcing them in opposite directions. The flowers are viciously ripped apart. Dominik wants to scream but his voice has been stolen from him. Aleks’ face contorts into agony, eyes rolling back in their sockets, as his body is consumed in flames. The ground breaks beneath him, sucked into a black hole. The dream world collapses into chaos.

            Dominik wakes with a start, gasping for breath. “Fuck.” He says hoarsely, relieved that his voice is still functioning.                 

            He checks the time. It’s late afternoon. Dominik can hear his mother arguing with someone on the phone. She had told him she would work from home for a while after he got out of the hospital so that she could “be there for him”.

            Deciding on eating a snack before dinner, Dominik leaves his room. He seats himself with a bowl of cereal across from his mother. He watches her intently, not that she notices. Dominik fails to see how this is any different from if his mother had just gone to the office. It certainly would be a lot quieter if she were gone, he thinks.

            Dinner rolls by without incident. His mother gives up on yelling at people through a phone and mentions as they eat that she’ll return to the office tomorrow, but only for a couple of hours, she claims. Dominik can see right through that lie. He doesn’t care much though, it’s the same lie his parents have been telling him since the day he arrived into the cold and cruel world from his mother’s womb.

            Wednesdays Dominik attends therapy sessions. It makes him laugh because this too has become a part of The Plan. The Plan that has been set into motion so that Dominik’s parents only have to do minimal amount of hands-on work to get their son back “normal”, whatever that is anymore.

            He tells his therapist about how the pills aren’t working. He omits the part about the fact that he isn’t actually taking the pills. He also skips the bit about how he’s not doing it on purpose. He can barely look at the pills without feeling nauseous. Dominik assumes it has something to do with his suicide attempt, but he doesn’t mention it. In fact he’d rather not talk about anything at all. Talking to someone who’s paid to listen doesn’t seem very productive, Dominik thinks. They’re getting paid to listen, why would they give a fuck about someone like him? He’s a spoiled, bratty, wealthy child. Why should he be sad?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dream sequences are always fun. At any rate, thanks for reading :)


	4. Seeking Sanctuary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His mother just had to talk about his hair.

            The days begin to fill with shades of deep royal blue and slowly begin to fade to gray once more. It’s been nearly a two months since his suicide attempt. He doesn’t want to die anymore, he just doesn’t see the point in living either. His parent’s feigned concern dwindles after the first month and it seems, to Dominik, that they’ve all but forgotten that their son is mentally ill. They don’t even bother with hiding sharp objects or concerning themselves with giving Dominik his pills under supervision anymore. They leave the bottles in the medicine cabinet and they remain there, untouched.

            From some days bloom forth the most unforgiving shade of red that recede back into the grim sea almost as quickly as it rears its gnarled head. Those days are almost as bad as the ones in which Dominik feels he’s drowning in black. The anger tears through him like lightning, blindsiding him; demolishing his rationale and sending him into a rage. The worst part was that even the slightest of things could send him toppling off the edge and into the red sea.

            There were rare occasions in which the Santorski family would actual gather for a family dinner. These dinners were always quiet and reeking of tension. Dominik knew this dinner would be no different from the few others. He knew his father would ignore him, and his mother would try to make pointless small talk about anything, if only it would destroy the silence. Unfortunately for Dominik, one of the topics on his mother’s dinner list was his hair.

            Normally Dominik would disregard his mother’s idle chatter for what it was: mindless babbling. But, tonight Dominik could feel the red swirling just beneath the calm of gray. It’s not that he cared much about his hair, which was beginning to become quite long, or even what his mother said about it. It was a benign topic at best. However, it was his father he couldn’t stand. 

            “Don’t you think he could use a haircut Andrzej?” His mother says as she pokes at her food uncomfortably with her fork. She smiles at Dominik. She doesn’t mean any harm. She’s completely unaware of the storm she’s about to set loose.

            Andrzej looks up from his food, to his wife, then takes a long good leer at his son. “He looks like an incorrigible hoodlum.” His father remarks disdainfully before looking away. There’s almost an audible click as Dominik’s brain seems to shift gears, as the red bleeds into the gray; extinguishing his self-restraint.

            With one long sweeping gesture, Dominik’s plate flies across the room, shattering against the wall. His mother jumps in surprise but his father seems utterly unphased by the outburst.

            “Are you fucking with me?!” Dominik yells. “It’s been weeks since you lower yourself to talk to me, and that’s what you say? Are you fucking joking?” Beata looks to be on the verge of tears, and were he in his right mind (which he hadn’t been in the longest time) he would have stopped himself. “What’s wrong with this family? Are either of you even capable of loving someone who isn’t yourselves?” He lets off a string of random profanities.

            “Dominik, please.” Beata pleads.

            His father dabs his mouth with a napkin, and stands. He takes one last look at his son, his face as stoic as ever, and then leaves the room. Dominik isn’t having it though. He strides across the room, taking into his fist a handful of his father’s shirt, yanking him about-face. “Answer me!” He shakes with rage.

            Andrzej looks to his wife. Beata looks back, pleading still. His gaze returns to Dominik, and he glares. “The only problem with this family, is a son who continues to embarrass and humiliate his parents.” Dominik becomes rigid with a blue that’s hemorrhaging toxic black sludge. Andrzej pulls away from him, but doesn’t make to leave the room. All eyes are on Dominik once more. Beata appears to be horrified with her spouse.

            Lightning strikes twice in one night. Dominik storms up to his room. A bag is torn out of a closet. Clothes and toiletries are haphazardly jammed in. He breaks into the box that he knows holds his electronics and removes his phone.

           He charges out the door, his mother trailing on his heels. She can’t keep up though in her heels, her voice dying out in the cold of the night, and eventually Dominik is alone in his sea of blue.

           Breath looks like dragon’s smoke in the frosty air. No one can fathom why it’s so cold on a summer night, but it hardly registers on Dominik’s mind. His legs are growing tired and he’s not entirely sure where he is anymore. He left the residential neighborhood some time ago and kept walking straight, no destination in mind. Now, he’s lost and on his own.

           Cars rush by on the street, unaware of the unstable youth that sits on the sidewalk, watching them. Dominik tries counting the cars, tries to drown out the words of his father that seem to be set to repeat in his head. He wraps numb fingers into his hair, winding them painfully tight. He wants to rip the hair out by the roots. Why did his father have to say those words? They cut his deeper than any knife could.

           For a moment, Dominik remembers he has a phone again. He turns it on, not sure what to expect, only that it seemed like a good idea.

           The screen lights up as the phone loads his preferences. Dominik waits, not even realizing that he’s grown apprehensive. His heart leaps in his chest when he read _20 unread messages_. He presses on the notification as if his life depends on it. The notification takes him to his inbox. The messages are all from one person: Aleksander Lubomirkski. Dominik reads the name, and then reads it again. He’s not entirely sure what he’s feelings as he reads over the texts.

           The messages range from “how are you” to “I’m sorry”. Dominik reads each one carefully. He feels like his chest is going to cave in. He’s feeling too much and it’s starting to hurt, like a physical ache. He lays down on the sidewalk, and curls into a ball. He knows the ground is filthy; he really doesn’t care. He tries deep-breathing, like his therapist taught him on a day in which he actually tried to be open with the doctor.

           He stays like this for an immeasurable amount of time, breathing and cradling himself. When the ache has dulled, he looks back at his phone, and hits the call button. He figures this is the worst possible idea that he could have, but he doesn’t want to go home. He can’t go home. Not now anyways.

           The call is picked up mid-ring, and Aleks calls out his name in reverent disbelief. Dominik almost forgets why he’s called him before Aleks blurts out, “Are you still there? Are you okay? Has something happened?” It occurs to him he hasn’t said anything yet.

           “I need a place to stay.” Dominik is surprised at how evenly his words come out considering he still feels the gnawing urge to tear out his hair.

           He can almost hear the tangible relief in Aleks’ voice when he says, “Yes, of course, anything.” Dominik doesn’t understand why Aleks is relieved and he doesn’t care enough to ask why. “I’m not at home right now, I’ll send a driver to pick you up and give you a spare key.” Dominik gives him the cross streets that he’s sitting at so that the driver can find him. “I’ll see you soon.” Aleks says.

           “Yea.” Dominik replies, and then ends the call.

           Aleks lives across town, and it takes his driver over an hour to locate him, at which point, the gnawing feelings is more of a fierce tearing at his being. Dominik tries to cope with the breathing again during the car ride, but he can’t get his breath to even out. He in turn begins chewing his fingernails. They needed to be clipped anyway, he reasons. There is, however, fleeting relief when the car pulls into the Lubomirski’s driveway. The driver hands him the key and Dominik is out the door into the house in a heartbeat.

          He slams the door behind him. He doesn’t care if he’s disturbing the Lubomirski household. He knows it’s likely he’s the only one there. Aleks is an only child and his parents are almost always abroad for work. When no one comes to see why doors are being slammed, Dominik takes this as the green light to let out a soul-tearing scream, similar to the ones that he made while he lay dying on a bathroom floor. He falls to the ground as the words of his father and, even more so now, Aleks’ words overwhelm him.

          “Make it stop.” Dominik whimpers to himself, hair in his hands once more. Andrzej’s words hit him at full force again, _He looks like an incorrigible hoodlum_. The words echo in his head. It’s the last straw. He walks into the kitchen and snatches up a pair of scissors.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SUSPENSE!!!   
> Don't know when I'll be posting the next chapter. Hopefully soon.   
> Thanks for reading!


	5. Signs of Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aleks is only human.

      Aleks isn't sure what to expect when he comes home. He’s nervous to say the least, and scared shitless to say anything else. He hasn’t seen Dominik in over a month, hasn’t seen him since he was in the hospital. He doesn’t know what condition the other is in or what sort of events could have transpired that could have coerced Dominik into calling him. (There isn’t even the slightest thread of hope in Aleks’ heart that Dominik has suddenly decided to make amends.)

      The taxi pulls up in front of his house sooner than he’d like. His thoughts aren’t in order yet. He’s not sure of what to say, or how to say it so that Dominik hears him. He pays the cabbie and gets out. Despite his worries, Aleks puts on a brave face and enters.

      It’s quiet. Quiet except for a faint sound that Aleks can hear drifting down from the second floor of the house. Dread swells up in his chest almost immediately. He runs up the stairs and throws open the bathroom door.

      His eyes take in the scene, Dominik is sitting hunched in the bathtub fully clothed and sobbing; discarded scissors sit on the linoleum floor. The moment the scissors register on Aleks mental radar, he lurches across the short distance from the door to the bathtub. He’s about to reach for Dominik’s wrists when he realizes that Dominik isn’t sobbing. No, not sobbing, but laughing.

      Aleks looks into the bathtub and rather than the blood he expects to see clashing with the white interior of the tub, there are clumps of dark brown hair pooled in a dejected pile around Dominik.

      Aleks hesitates to ask what has happened, and much to his relief, he doesn’t have to. Dominik, looks up to him and smiles. Aleks almost wants to laugh at the state of what’s remaining of his former friend’s hair, but can’t bring himself to when he notices the swollen red eyes and tear stained cheeks. “I thought if I got rid of the hair he hates so much, his words wouldn’t _hurt_ so much.” Dominik is staring down at the pool of hair, pointedly not making eye contact with Aleks anymore. He doesn’t know why he’s saying this to him, only that it makes the gaping hole in his chest feel a bit smaller. Dominik lets out a small laugh that comes off as a whimper. “Almost dying didn’t make them change, I doubt cutting my hair will do any good.” He says so quietly that Aleks has to strain his ears just to hear him. “I look even more like a freak. I doubt he’ll like that.” 

      Aleks can only guess that Dominik is talking about his father but doesn’t comment on it. The only other thing he can think to say in the moment is, “It doesn’t look that bad you know.”

      Dominik finally looks into Aleks eyes again, sees that the other is being completely serious before bursting into a fit of manic laughter. Tears spill from his eyes, and his sides ache from laughing. Aleks can’t help but laugh as well, the emotion is contagious. When Dominik can finally breathe again he says, “Doesn’t look that bad? It’s a damned catastrophe!” He’s still smiling, still manic. 

      Dominik isn’t completely wrong about the state of his hair. Patches are of varying length and the bits on top of his head stick up at odd angles. Aleks can’t help but think it suits him in an odd way. “I can take you to a hairdresser in the morning if you like.” He offers.

      Laughter gone from him, the weariness and emotional exhaustion settles back on Dominik like a lead weight. “Maybe.” He replies, reluctant to accept more help.

      Aleks notices the sudden change in Dominik’s demeanor instantly, and feels thrown off balance. The lighthearted air that came with laughter settles into static. “I mean you don’t have to if you don’t want. I just thought that you might…I don’t know. Sorry.” The words tumble out in a mumbled mess, evidence of Aleks’ anxiety. Dominik doesn’t warrant an answer. Aleks clenches his eyes shut for a moment in a mental slap to the forehead. Pulling himself back together, he tries again. “Are you alright?” He asks, genuinely concerned. Dominik shakes his head in reply. Unsure of what to do with this information, Aleks moves onto his next question, “Did you bring anything with you?” Dominik nods. “Okay. Right. I’ll go get your stuff and put it in the guest room.” Aleks stands, discretely picks up the scissors from the floor, and leaves the bathroom.

      When he returns, Dominik has already found his way into the guest room and made himself a blanket cocoon. Just like in the hospital, he’s tempted to stay.  He doesn’t though. Aleks drops Dominik’s bag at the foot of the bed, and flicks off the lights. He grasps the door knob to close the door, but finds himself lingering. He’s waiting for something. He’s not entirely sure of what, but then he hears it: the sound of shifting sheets as Dominik tosses in his sleep.

      Something reminiscent to a wave of relief washes over Aleks as he sees an uneven tuft of hair pop out of the blankets. Movement is a sign of life, although Aleks is far from realizing that this is the precise reason he is relieved. For the moment the reason is elusive and hard for him to pin down, not that he pays much mind to it. It’s for the exact same reason he chooses to leave the door cracked rather than shut. Having the darkness swallow up the sleeping boy scares him, not that he realizes this either.

 

      Dreams sometimes have a strange and abstract way of playing themselves out. Psychologists even say that they are a window into a person’s unconscious mind. Aleks’ dreams are neither abstract nor windows. They are memories.

      In sleep he relives moments of his life. The dreams are so real to him that can hear the screaming, can feel his heart breaking into a million pieces over and over. Unlike the video on his computer that he watches to remind himself of the person Dominik used to be, he can’t press pause to get up and walk away when the pangs of guilt become too much to bear. And, unlike the video, the memories he must relive contain a completely different measure of pain.

      When he finally awakes from the horrid visions of his dreams, he’s covered in a film of sweat, his breathing erratic, and his wounds torn open, filled with salt. Aleks tries to get a hold of his breathing, He wipes away the sweat from his brow before resting his face in his hands. He feels sick but he also knows this is a feeling that will pass.

      Aleks knows he won’t be able to sleep now that he’s awake. He hasn’t had a peaceful nights rest in months; every night with the same recurring dream. He takes a shower rather than lie in bed and allow himself to wallow in misery.   

      After steaming water has thoroughly scorched his entire body, Aleks leaves the shower, unsure of what to do next.

      Earlier that night, he had gone to a bar hoping that drinking himself into a stupor would calm the inner workings of wherever dreams are manufactured in the brain just long enough for him sleep. Alas, he had only been on his fourth drink when Dominik called him.

       He considered going down into the kitchen and downing a bottle of something strong, but he decided against it due to the fact that there was another fragile mind sleeping in the guest bedroom. Aleks couldn’t be dreadfully hung over should Dominik miraculously choose to take him up on his offer to get his hair cut.

      As he considers all his possible options to waste away the remaining hours of the night, his feet move of their own accord. He’s not entirely aware of the fact that he is traversing down the hall to stand in front of a singular door. When he comes to, he notices the door is already cracked open. He momentarily considers not going in but quickly throws caution to the wind. He presses the door open and slips inside.

      Despite only having a sliver of the light from the hallway pouring into the room, Aleks manages to find his way to the corner of the room where a rocking chair is kept and settles into it with ease.

      Once his eyes have adjusted to the darkness, Aleks is finally able to see across the room where Dominik has kicked off most of his blankets. Watching as Dominik’s chest rises and falls with each deep sleeping breath, Aleks is lulled into a trance. He doesn’t even notice when his body grows heavy and his eyelids begin to droop. All he can focus on is the fact that Dominik is still breathing, is still alive. He doesn’t even notice when sleep descends on him all at once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yea, Aleks is just as messed up as you might think. Also kind of creepy. To be fair, he's kind of traumatized and clearly not coping well.   
> Not my best work, but I can't find any way to make it better. Feedback much appreciated. I hope you enjoyed reading it!


	6. Pinned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mornings suck.

           Dominik wakes in a haze of confusion. He is not in his room. Not in his house even. But the lapse in his memory quickly returns to him when he sits up in bed to see Aleks asleep across the room. Déjà vu.  

           A true, however small, smile creeps upon his face. Aleks is known to be a loyal friend amongst his peers. It was that same loyalty that had made his betrayal even more devastating to Dominik. Regardless, he still can’t help but feel an involuntary, lingering fondness for the boy.

           “Idiot.” Dominik says softly as he takes in the fact that Aleks has fallen asleep without a shirt on and a towel still wrapped around his neck. He can only imagine the ache Aleks is going to feel from sleeping in such an awkward position when he gets up.  But, then again, maybe not. Aleks had fallen asleep in the tiny hospital chairs all the time when Dominik had been admitted.

           The growl of his stomach pulls him out of his thoughts. Dominik doesn’t bother waking Aleks up. He knows the kitchen well enough to find himself something to eat.

           He changes clothes and just as he is about to leave the room, grabs a blanket. Gently, and ever so careful not to jostle him, Dominik drapes the blanket over Aleks. He takes a step back to admire his good work, and then leaves.          

 

           The sea is tranquil and warm. Its waves brush across the beaches of Dominik’s mind, leaving a faint feeling of contentment. He knows that this is just the calm before the storm. That this moment is too good to last. It only exists because the world is still asleep, along with his resentment and ire. Still, he lets himself soak in the warmth because if he never lets in the warmth, then all will be left for him is the desolate cold of the abyss.

           Dominik manages to start a pot of coffee and pours himself a bowl of cereal. He stares out a window and watches as the world begins to flood with light, as night transitions into day.

           He briefly wonders what his parents are doing as he spoons cereal into his mouth. It occurs to him that his mother has probably phoned the police by now to report her runaway son. He pulls out his phone and texts his mother that he’s staying with a friend before turning it off and tucking it away again.

           Dominik doesn’t want to think about his parents. Thinking about them only brings pain and he doesn’t want the ocean to change just yet. The lights shades of pink are comforting, he wants nothing to do with a sea of blue. Not at the moment anyway. But, eventually. He much rather focus on the cereal before him than on his home life.

           However, there are things that have to be said. Dominik knows that he’ll never find, what his therapist refers to as, “closure”, unless he gets the answers to the questions that tear him apart inside. He needs this more than ever, especially now that Aleks has been acting strangely.

           It has not gone without Dominik’s notice that Aleks, who has always been confident and sure of himself, is behaving hesitant and uncertain. The abrupt change never ceases to throw Dominik off balance. Is Aleks only pretending to be pathetic? Why would he do that? Dominik can only wonder.

           All of these thoughts bring Dominik back to his initial question. It’s the question that’s been itching at the back of his head for months now. It was an itch that had been bearable as long as Dominik didn’t think about it for any prolonged amount of time. A question that he had thought was better off forgotten, until now.

 

           Aleks walks in on Dominik wrapped up in his thoughts. Deciding it best not to agitate him with conversation, he opts to pour himself a cup of coffee and lean quietly against the kitchen counter. _Out of sight, out of mind._ Aleks figures. Although, unbeknownst to him, he is far from being outside of Dominik’s realm of mind.

           Massaging out the kinks in his neck and back that had settled into his muscles during the night, Aleks waits for Dominik to make the first move. When Dominik finally does speak, it is far from what Aleks expects to hear. In fact he wishes he had left the kitchen while he still had a chance.

           The words “How did you know I was in the hospital,” are soft and yet crash through the air like thunder. 

           Aleks is momentarily thankful that Dominik can’t see him. He knows that he looks like a deer caught in the headlights. He _feels_ like a deer caught in the headlights. He’s frozen.

           Before, Dominik can turn around to face him, his composure kicks in and he tries to play it off as if he doesn’t understand.

           “What do you mean?” Aleks hopes that his panic doesn’t show now that Dominik’s watchful gaze sits heavily upon him. He avoids the eye contact, and turns his attention to the drawstrings of his sweat pants, tying and retying.

           The nervous tick, like the rest of Aleks’ strange behavior, doesn’t go unnoticed by Dominik. “Why are you doing that?”

           Aleks glances up, confused. “What?”

           “You keep tying the strings.” Dominik points out. “When you visited me in the hospital, you would bite your nails.” He adds as an afterthought. “Why are doing that?” He asks again.        

           Aleks looks down to where his fingers are loosely tugging on the pieces of string. He hadn’t even realized he was doing it. “I don’t know. Nerves, I guess.” He drops the drawstrings and places both of his hands on the marble counter, gripping it firmly to stop himself from doing something else comparably odd.

           “You never used to do that.” Dominik says, his eyebrows stitching together into a frown.

           Aleks smiles wistfully and says, “People change.”

           Dominik is momentarily taken aback by the reply. For a reason that he can’t quite pin point, a tidal wave of blue comes crashing through his sea, which is followed immediately by red. “You just- What are you- You just can’t-!” Dominik desperately tries to get the words out, but finds he can’t. He’s overwhelmed by the red. He’s starting to shake with the force of it. “FUCK!” He screams, and violently pushes himself out his chair and rushes back to the guest room, the door slamming behind him.

           Aleks is the silent witness. He is not used to being the sole object of such unrestrained hatred and, just like in the hospital, he is rendered utterly speechless.

            He can hear Dominik screaming and throwing things about upstairs. Aleks wonders if Dominik’s reaction will be the same when he finally hears the truth. He wonders what kind of face Dominik will make when he tells him the answer to the question that’s been forgotten for now. His hands grip the marble surface tighter with just the thought of it. The anxiety is slowly eating him alive.

            When silence envelopes the house, that’s when Aleks worries. He moves upstairs and stands in front of the guest room door. Knocking twice, and calling out Dominik’s name, Aleks gets no reply. He tries the doorknob and finds that it’s been left unlocked. Aleks lets himself in.

           The aftermath of a tantrum is always something to behold. Feathers that once filled a pillow are scattered upon the ground. The pillow’s carcass is nowhere to be seen. The mattress is in slightly better shape than the pillow. It’s been flipped upright against a wall. The contents of Dominik’s duffel bag litter the room. The only thing that appears to be untouched is the rocking chair.

           “Dominik?” Aleks calls out into the chaos. He can’t see him, but he didn’t hear him leave the room so this is the only logical place he could be. He’s about to call out again when he hears something in the closet.

           Dominik is sitting at the bottom of the small closet, curled in on himself. Tears fall noiselessly down his cheeks. He doesn’t look up when Aleks opens the closet doors. He takes in a shaky breath and says, “Why did everything have to change?”

           Aleks steps into the closet and sits beside Dominik. “I don’t know. It just did.” He says honestly.

           “You don’t seem to know a whole lot, do you?” Dominik teases despite the fact that he’s still crying, laughing in spite of the blue that consumes him.

           “I know that I know nothing.” Aleks quotes in reply.

           Dominik looks at Aleks and this time really looks at him. There are prominent dark bags under his eyes from sleep deprivation and his nails have been chewed down to the nub. This isn’t the same person that Dominik befriended so long ago, or even the same person that tortured him months earlier. Whether it for better or worse, Aleks has changed.  

           “Aleks, please, I need to know.” Dominik begins again. “How did you know I was in the hospital?”

           Aleks can feel Dominik’s eyes on him. It’s unnerving; sends a crawling under his skin. He itches at his arms, tries to get it to go away. He thinks about the answer Dominik wants, remembers it, and suddenly the closet feels like it’s closing in on him. Dominik is too close and there’s not enough air. He tears out of the closet, his mind in full-on panic mode.

           Dominik is momentarily stunned by the outburst, wonders if this what a tsunami is like. When the moment is gone, so is Aleks. Dominik jumps out of the closet. Aleks is sprinting down the hallway to his room. Dominik follows.

           Aleks goes to shut his door but there’s Dominik, throwing himself into the sliver of space between the door and door frame, and effectively at Aleks. This act surprises Aleks long enough that he doesn’t brutally crush Dominik with the door, but he isn’t prepared for the sudden weight of Dominik’s body on his and they topple to the ground.

            “Fuck.” Aleks hisses. His back and head hurt, having Dominik on top of him isn’t helping in the slightest. However, before Aleks can even move to push him off, Dominik springs into action. Hands grab wrists, pinning them to the carpet. The grip in which Aleks’ wrists are held isn’t threatening nor is it forceful, but firm with deliberate intent.  Dominik stares down at Aleks, who doesn’t try to avoid him this time. A silent plead passes between them. Aleks knows that he can’t get away this time.

            “Please.” Dominik whispers.

            Aleks can only frown as a singular word passes his lips in a reluctant sigh, "Okay."

            Sitting up, Aleks shifts Dominik so that he’s sitting across from him on the floor. Pulling his hands away from Dominik, Aleks begins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, I hope you liked the chapter.  
> It started happy and ended less happy.  
> I really not too sure about how well written this chapter is. Your feedback is always welcomed.


	7. 2 Months Prior

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The story of how Aleks knew Dominik was in the hospital.

_2 Months Earlier…_

Aleksander hasn’t seen Dominik in weeks. Dominik had simply stopped showing up to school one day, and Aleks hasn’t let himself dwell on the reason why for too long; hasn’t indulged in the occasional gossip that goes around about Dominik Santorski’s whereabouts. It was easy enough not to think of it with all the business of final exams being just around the corner and graduation on the oncoming horizon.

But, then, out of seemingly nowhere, Aleksander gets a strange phone call from Karolina on what was making out to be an ordinary weekend.

“I just saw the weirdest thing!” She says over the sound of a crowd. Her words are slurred and she practically giggles out the sentence. Aleks has no doubts about how inebriated the girl on the other end of the line is.

“What did you see?” Aleks asks, choosing to humor her instead of outright hanging up.

“Guess!” Karolina giggles and then blurts out, “Dominik! That little bitch. Can you believe it? Looked like he was waiting for someone or something. How can someone like him have any friends left? Disgusting.”

“How much have you had?” Aleks concludes that Karolina is seeing things. He disregards what Karolina has said, and the thought of Dominik slips away.

After Karolina suggests he join her and her band of merry drunks, Aleks procures the address of the bar she’s at and heads downtown.

By the time Aleks arrives at the bar, Karolina and her friends are nowhere to be found. They’ve most likely already absconded to another bar, Aleks figures.  Already being out, Aleks orders a beer and surveys the faces in the crowd from the safety of the bar. He isn’t certain of what he is looking for. However, to an objective observer, it’s more than clear: Aleks is looking for Dominik amongst the throng of moving bodies.

When his eyes don’t land on anyone in particular, there’s a vague feeling of disappointment that settles in his skin. Disappointment is a grimy feeling. One that is best washed away. Aleks pays for his untouched drink, stands, and leaves for the bathroom.

As far as bar bathrooms go, it’s not uncommon to hear wails of laughter as the drunk unload their bladders, or even the occasional quiet crying of someone who wasn’t cut off early enough. The acrid smell of urine and vomit are commonplace, although dismissible once the nose acclimates. However, what Aleks hears that night is not something he is soon to forget.

Screaming echoes through the long corridor that lead to the bathroom. Someone crying out for their mother. It is the kind of screaming that leaves vocal chords in shreds due the weight of agony that must be conveyed with the sound.  

Aleks can’t remember when he recognized the voice or when he started running down the hallway. He doesn’t care that people are staring at him, doesn’t care what anyone thinks about anything, because the only thing that does register on his mind is, “ _Dominik_ ”. The name repeats in a mantra in his head and it serves to propel him forward as he breaks past a drunk couple who seems to be mildly enjoying the spectacle that is unfolding before them. And then there he is, Dominik, writhing in pain, begging for someone to please call his parents.

Aleks can hardly believe that he’s even in the same room with the other. His legs lock in place and he’s unsure of what to do when Dominik cries, “I don’t want to die.” shaking Aleks out of a stupor. He falls to the ground and pulls Dominik into his lap.  

“What did you do?” Aleks asks, fear emanating from him in waves. “Dominik, what did you do?!” He all but yells, pulling his phone from his pocket to dial emergency services.

“Aleks, wh-” Dominik starts to ask, but another fit of pain overtakes him. “Pills.” He bites out, his hands curling in the folds Aleks’ shirt as if it would relieve the pain. It doesn’t. Aleks sees the discarded pill bottle in one of the stalls, orders the drunk couple who are still idly standing by to bring it to him. Bottle in hand, he quickly rattles off the name of prescription to the operator on the phone. The operator tells him that the ambulance is only a matter of minutes from their location.  

“I don’t want to die.” Dominik whimpers.   

“You aren’t going to die.” Aleks says. He can hear the wail of sirens outside the bar. He brings a hand to Dominik’s face, using his thumb to brush away the tears. “Everything is going to be okay.” He whispers soothingly. In that moment, he wants to believe what he says. Aleks wishes he could turn back time, and take back everything wrong he ever did to the boy who now lies dying in his arms.   

Suddenly, Dominik’s face crumples in pain, and then all at once relaxes. His eyes roll back in his head and his body goes limp in Aleks’ arms. All the air in the room disappears. Aleks can’t breathe, can’t hear, can only feel his heart shattering. It’s like he’s been dunked in ice water. He’s not in control. “No. No. No. Dominik? Stop playing around. Don’t do this.” He jostles the boy in arms, but Dominik doesn’t move. “You can’t die!” He yells frantic and distraught. “Not like this.” Aleks can’t think straight. He’s practically shaking Dominik’s motionless body and the EMT’s have to pull him away when they arrive. Aleks stands by and watches them perform CPR as he feels his body go numb. It’s like he’s floating on air as he climbs into the ambulance. During the drive to the hospital, he wonders if he’s dreaming. His hand pressed into Dominik’s reminds him he’s not.

Aleks fills out medical form after medical form. He gives a statement to the police officer that accompanied him to the hospital. It’s an endless barrage of questions and when the world around him finally stops spinning, Aleks realizes that all he can do for Dominik now is wait. So he does. He paces in the hospital waiting room as if his legs were on fire. Aleks’ can’t recall ever being so scared, being so helpless. He wonders if this is the sort of feeling that drove Dominik to take all those pills. He stops thinking about it when he feels the urge to vomit, and allows for himself to continue to mindlessly pace.   

When Aleks is finally informed that Dominik has fallen into a coma, relief hits Aleks like a slap, and it reverberates through his entire body. The nurse helps him into a chair as his legs buckle beneath him. Aleks is endlessly grateful that the words that left nurses mouth were “coma” and not “dead”. He thanks the nurse a thousand times over.  

“You can see him if you like.” The nurse prompts quickly, overwhelmed by the ceaseless gratitude. Aleks can only nod weakly, unable to find his voice now.

The nurse shows him the room and leaves. For a moment, all Aleks can do is stare from the doorway at Dominik, who lies unmoving in the hospital bed. It is only when some ghostly force presses at Aleks’ back, that he moves forward into the room. He walks quietly, maneuvering himself into the chair that sits at Dominik’s bedside. Suddenly, the weight of everything that has happened in the last few hours hits Aleks at full force. His entire body is an iron weight, and he sinks lower into the chair.  

The world feels as if it’s being slowly decimated by an all-consuming fire. The memories of all the things Aleks did to wrong Dominik burn him as they replay in an infinite loop in his mind’s eye. It doesn’t take him long to form his resolve. He leans forward and takes Dominik’s hand into his. “I’ll make things right again.” Aleks says. “I promise.”

When he finally drifts into an uneasy sleep, his hand is still clasped around Dominik’s, his head lying on hospital bed. And, that’s how Dominik’s parents find him when they arrive. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An update! Shocking, I know. It's been a while. Midterms and personal shit always seem to get in the way :P At any rate, I finally sat myself down and wrote this chapter. I hope you enjoyed it! Thanks for all the wonderful comments too!


	8. Of Stars and Stories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is pitifully short, I know. But I feel like everything that is said is all that is NEEDED to be said on the matter. I thought about adding onto it but I felt like that was ruining the moment I had created. That being said, the next chapter will be longer, I promise. Possibly even happy. Who knows. As always, enjoy~

Dominik eagerly waits for Aleks to begin, sea tense with anticipation. He feels that if he knows how Aleks found his way into that hospital room, some higher truth will emerge, and all the puzzle pieces will fall neatly into place.

Aleks sucks in a shuddering breath and his face grows steely. His eyes stare straight ahead but they’re unseeing, empty and cold. He feels himself drawn into the memory, knows that he has to let it unravel. So he lets it.

He tells Dominik, as straightforwardly as he can manage, about the phone call from Karolina, and the screams he heard in the bar hallway. But, as he recalls the way he found Dominik, Aleks finds himself rambling. Despite the steady voice in which he carries the story, words trip over themselves. He’s unconsciously rocking himself back and forth. At some point he stops talking, growing still, because the story is over now but he can’t remember _when_ , and his head is light, dizzy almost. He feels like he’s going to vomit and his vision is going dark at the edges. He doesn’t know what to do other than wait for Dominik to say something.   

Dominik sits quietly, trying to process everything that’s been said. This isn’t what he was expecting. Dominik is struck with the realization that Aleks may be the solitary reason that he’s still drawing breath. He’s paralyzed with the revelation, unsure of what to say or how to react. The sea is torrid with varying degrees of colors, all battling for dominance. It all seems like an impossibly strange dream to him, and yet it feels like one he's had before. Except that it wasn't a dream, it was real. Aleks saved him and some part of him seems to have known all along. Dominik has more questions than answers now but when he looks into Aleks’ vacant eyes, he knows now is perhaps the worst time to ask. He knows because he recognizes that face. An expression that Dominik is all too familiar with: A sea of black.   

_He’s a dying star_ , Dominik thinks as he watches Aleks. An explosion that destroys all in its path before imploding, becoming a black hole; drawing in all the light around it but never becoming light itself. “Perhaps we are not so different after all.” He says softly.  

Although Dominik is still uncertain of how he feels about what Aleks has told him, he knows that they cannot continue on like this. It’s become abundantly clear to him that they are both broken, both in need of mending. And with this thought, Dominik crawls beside Aleks, pulling him into his chest, wraps his arms around him. They say nothing. They just allow the moment to be and once more the sea is calm.


	9. Purification

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More questions, more answers.

            When they finally pull apart, Dominik finds himself plagued with a new question. One that will fester and stew unless it is spoken. He’s too tired to let himself go on not knowing and so he let's the question loose into the air.

“You destroyed me, and then saved my life. Why would you do that?” The paradox of it all is what frustrates Dominik the most. “Why?” He says again, softly, sadness pouring into the single word.

            Aleks’ eyebrows knit together, and his lips purse in an ugly fashion. The words slip past his lips like phantoms dancing through the air, barely even there, “Because I was scared.” Dominik pulls back from Aleks, to see the truth in his face. He doesn’t understand, but he wants to. “You…you were always someone that I wanted, Dominik. And, I never really understood the extent of that…desire…until that day in Judo.” His eyes clench shut as he continues to speak. “When you…um…on the mat when we were fighting…I was watching your face and it was… _strange_.” He pauses, suddenly feeling bare.

            Dominik frowns, noticing the now familiar deer-in-the-headlights look that Aleks gets when he has to confront something in regards to the deterioration of their friendship. Taking Aleks’ hands into his own, Dominik murmurs, “It’s okay. Just keep talking.”

Aleks gives Dominik’s hands a short squeeze in reply and continues. “When I saw your face that day, I thought ‘How beautiful’.” He explained to Dominik that it was a different kind of beautiful. A sort of beautiful different from the way he considered Karolina or Magda. That it wasn’t the sort of beautiful that he thought, but rather one that he felt. Then his voice becomes loud and frantic. “And then I laughed at you, because I didn’t know what else to do. I’m not supposed to have those kind of thoughts, those kind of _feelings_. I can't! I mean it doesn’t make sense! I like girls. I do. But-” He hesitates. His voice drops to a whisper. “I’ve never felt like that way with anyone Dominik. Ever. And, I don’t understand.”

Dominik stares, wide-eyed, at his former friend. The confession is almost more than he can handle. But, somewhere the swirling colors of the sea, he finds the answers he’s been looking for. “You were scared of your feelings. Of what people might think if they were to find out. You thought that if you discarded me, you wouldn’t feel that way anymore?” The anger wins out, surges like fire over an ocean of dry grass. “Because how could anyone be friends with such a repulsive creature!” He shouts, but he doesn’t try to leave. He keeps his hold on Aleks’ hands, and squeezes. Hard. His face is red with confliction and his cheeks stained in the wretched grief that comes with it. Somehow, Dominik finds that he isn’t angry because of what Aleks did, but because he understands. Understanding is more frustrating than anything. 

When Dominik has managed to calm himself down, Aleks continues. “But, when I saw you on that bathroom floor, I knew I had to make things right. I was weak and I still am. But, I want to make things right. I know you might never forgive me, and you have every right not to, but _please_. I don’t know what else to do.” His words are quiet and sincere.

The sea enters into a strange calm of gray. Dominik doesn’t say anything anymore, just stares into space. The emotions slide from him like rain running off a mountain side. The storm seems to have abated. The light breaks through the clouds, and the world is purified.

Dominik only has one thing left to say now. He looks at Aleks, smiles a weary but true sort of smile, and says, “I need a haircut.”   

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I said this chapter was going to be longer than the last...technically it is. Like a whole 100 words longer. I don't know. I'm having a hard time writing recently due to some traumatic events that have occured in the last month. I think the next couple of chapters will be the last. Sorry for the unofficial hiatus. Thanks for sticking around! Hope you enjoyed the chapter. As always, tell me what you think.


	10. Five Years and Counting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dominik has all the time in the world, and he's going to spend it with Aleks.

Sun filters through a window, casting shadows across a bedroom. It's morning time and Dominik finds himself exactly where he’s supposed to be: in the waking world. It’s been five years since his last suicide attempt. Five years, and he’s never looked back.

It’s still early. The alarm clock hasn’t gone off yet. Dominik lets himself bask in the warmth of the sunlight before stretching out, like a cat, and rolling around on the bed to face his lover.

He isn’t surprised that the space beside him is empty, most mornings around this time of year it is. Instead, Dominik quickly turns his sights to the arm chair that sits in the corner of the room. He frowns. Aleks is still just as beautiful as he was in high school, if not more so, but he still had the nightmares. When he has nightmares, he never wakes up Dominik. He simply sits in the chair and watches Dominik sleep until he falls asleep again, calmed by the sounds of Dominik’s breathing.

Dominik gets out of bed and pulls on a pair of sweatpants that are probably Aleks judging by how loose they were around his waist. (They’d long given up on trying to keep their clothes separate). He secured the drawstrings and grabbed a blanket. He draped it over Aleks before walking into the bathroom. He picked up the bright orange pill bottle in the medicine cabinet and popped off the cap. Dominik could hear Aleks beginning to stir in the next room. He tossed back two smooth blue pills and walked back into the bedroom.

“Good morning.” Aleks greets, taking in the sight of his boyfriend. “Nice trousers.” He grins and adds, “You’re cute.”

Dominik rolls his eyes and saunters over to where Aleks sits, plopping down in his lap. He presses his forehead to Aleks’, breathing in deeply. “You had a nightmare.” It isn’t a question.

Aleks pulls away from their embrace, only to rest his head against Dominik’s bare chest. “Yes.”

The nightmare was always the same. It was a world in which Aleks had come too late and Dominik died in that shithole restroom. The only thing Dominik could do to help was to reassure Aleks that he was still very much alive, and very much happy. He hadn’t any wishes of death for quite some time.

A lot has changed in five years. Dominik is on better terms with his parents, who are now divorced. His father doesn’t approve of him loving another man, but he tolerates it and that is all Dominik can ask. Beata still has problems with following through with her promises, but she still tries. She tries to understand her son. She even visits occasionally when she finds the time.

When Dominik returned to his parent’s house five years ago, he came with a plan. He was going to go back to school and he was going to take his pills. Things were going to get better, and they did.

As for Aleks, Dominik stayed at his house for three days after getting his hair cut. And after he left, they didn’t see each other for almost a year. It had made sense at the time. Aleks was busy preparing to go off to university and Dominik was focused on getting himself well. In truth, they both needed time to readjust to their realities. They eventually became friends again and found a circle of friends that would accept them just for who they were. Dominik and Aleks had dated other people, before realizing that, even in spite of everything that had happened in the past, they wanted to be together.

Which is why, five years later, Dominik is able to gently caress the side of Aleks face and press a tender kiss to his lips. “Happy anniversary.” Dominik whispers.  

Aleks returns the gesture, the nightmare is forgotten. “Happy two years, my prince.” He smiles.

Dominik picks himself up and takes Aleks’ hand into his, leading him back to the bed. They fall gracelessly into the blankets. Their bodies intertwine naturally. Messy hair and blurry eyes; soft lips and knowing hands. The room is quiet except for the sound of the sea that crashes against the beach. Each crescendo of waves, a cascade of love written into the sand.  

 

The End.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you've enjoyed reading A Sea of Woe as much as I've enjoyed writing it! It's been quite the journey but it's finally over. Thanks for sticking with me. Much love xxx


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